This morning I read a blog about a young woman who at age 10 made a vow of purity before her church, family, and friends. She speaks of the pain the purity stance placed in her marriage, the loneliness that came shortly after she was married.
She no longer holds to the purity promise.

There are many parallels I can identify with in her story. Growing up with the idyllic religious background that saving yourself for marriage somehow covers all other marital issues, and the unspoken idea that if you wait for marriage the enemy is “hands off” to you, your spouse and marriage. Growing up in the church, there was this perception given to young girls, sex before marriage is “bad”, but after is “good”.

Although I believe this has many scriptural contexts, there is a considerable amount of damage that can be done by these half-truth beliefs. Frankly by overly focusing on the “sex” part of marriage. This idea can instill fear of sex in young girls that cannot process through this deep scriptural idea. In a world that is overly sexualized the church cannot completely turn the other way and call all things “sex” related sinful. For me as a young teen I would walk through my high school thinking, “bad” girl or “good” girl? I also carried shame from sexual things done “to me” without my consent. I had been made a “bad” girl not by my choice.

The deeper issue I had shortly after we were married was I held a skewed view of sex and believing it was ugly and perverted, it derailed my intimacy with the person God intended to be my “playmate” in life. The man God gave me to share a relationship with intimately, and was supposed to be the deepest relationship with a person I have this side of heaven. And it just wasn’t…. I was carrying mountains of fear. I had been taught to guard, guard and guard more. As a young girl and teen I had this idea to guard my heart, my body, my mind, and don’t let anyone get in otherwise it will lead to sin. While I believe guarding your heart and thoughts is necessary, it certainly didn’t make for an intimate marriage. I was not supposed to guard my heart, mind and body with my husband, but I was and did.

Looking back there were major pieces missing in the purity stance for me. I walked with this idea of what defined “good” girls and “bad” girls and I wasn’t walking with the heart of Jesus. I wasn’t viewing young women as God’s daughters, dearly loved. I couldn’t see much beyond the purity stance. I saw them through a religious belief, not through the eyes of Jesus. I viewed myself also through the religious beliefs and it allowed me to think more highly of myself than I ought…. I remember the Israelites also struggled when Jesus came to save all, not just them. When He came not to condemn, but to save…..

I will share, I think intimacy is awesome and incredible. But if there is one thing the enemy would like to continue to spoil, ruin, pervert, or strain it would be intimacy. Not necessarily “sex”, but intimacy which involves sex. “Sex” is just sex, but intimacy in marriage defined by webster is ” close familiarity or friendship”, and that includes sex. If I don’t have intimacy with my husband the beautiful way God intended and it is broken and ruined, it can change the way I view intimacy with God. If I guard my heart, body and mind from my husband, I can unfortunately unconsciously guard my heart, mind and body with God as well. The fall of man/woman was broken intimacy, they then tried to hide(guard) from God.

I believe the purity stance needs to be spoken of carefully. Less talk of sex, more talk of intimacy with one and with The One.

The world has this view of “sex” as bringing the intimacy we all desire. But it is the intimacy that we desire that brings the “sex”. The world has idolized sex and not intimacy. We must carefully speak truth not only about the caution of premarital sex but more importantly speak of intimacy with God and how broken intimacy harms our relationships.

And pray for our sons and daughters, their friends, and other parents.

Adam and Eve had broken intimacy with God.
Abraham and Sarah had broken intimacy.
Jonah had broken intimacy with God.
The world believes and promotes it is all about sex
I think it is all about intimacy, true and pure intimacy……